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Man Regretting Not Breaking-Up With Girlfriend Two Days Ago

Man Regretting Not Breaking-Up With Girlfriend Two Days Ago West Ryde – With a nationwide lockdown imminent, local man Henry Cartwright is regretting not breaking up with his girlfriend two days ago, or at any point over the last two years he had been considering it.           As the country prepares to

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The Dwarf's Guide To The 2019 Federal Election

Well, here we go again. On Saturday May 18th, you, dear fellow Australian, will fight your way past desperate volunteers only to gaze in confusion at the myriad choices, each worse than the last. Unless you’re one of those losers that has already voted ahead of time. Here at The Dwarf, we’ve taken the time

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Antony Green Stoked About Getting Penalty Rates This Weekend

Ultimo – As he gears up for his biggest night of the year, the ABC’s election analyst Antony Green confirmed that he was ‘absolutely ‘ken stoked' about earning time and a half on Saturday. Speaking to The Dwarf, Green made clear that the penalty rates he would be earning more than made up for having to work on

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All Major Deities Declare Linkedin Nadir Of Human Civilisation

Andromeda – History was made today as all the world’s major deities put aside their differences and reached a rare moment of consensus, declaring Linkedin the nadir of human civilisation. At a landmark summit approximately 780 kiloparsecs away from Earth, influential beings from a wide range of beliefs gathered to collectively warn their disciples that

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Man Makes Major Life Decision After Advice From Talking Meerkat

Potts Point – Having agonised for months over which life insurance provider to entrust with his family’s future, forty-five year old electrician Wally Hammond finally reached a decision on Wednesday, having been convinced by a talking meerkat. The pivotal moment in the future of the Hammond clan occurred late in the evening, during an ad

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Man Unwittingly Watches Cyclist’s Death Live On UberEats Tracker

Camperdown – Local stoner Philip McKeiran’s UberEats order took a macabre turn last night, as he unwittingly witnessed the death of his driver on the app’s tracker. Having completed an order of a Ben and Jerry’s ‘Half Baked’ tub, the twenty-three year old ‘writer’ gazed intermittently at the app in between browsing Robelinda2’s YouTube channel.

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My Wife Is A Sack Full Of Doorknobs

My wife loves this story. My wife is… she’s really something else, know what I mean? She really is. My wife… she’s a sack full of doorknobs. She’s not like a sack full of doorknobs, she really is a sack full of doorknobs. Full of doorknobs. I can’t maintain a normal human friendship, let alone

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I Was The Third Person To Eat A Potato

I'll never forget the day I became the third person to eat a potato. People eat potatoes all the time now, but back then it was considered a mysterious, bulbous tuber*. It has to be said from the outset that the overriding driving force was hunger, not notoriety. No one wakes up in the morning

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Goddamn Dementia

Chances are dementia will kill you. That’s if you live past 2050. With the advances in medical science, we’re able to keep the rest of the machine running longer and better than ever before. But the brain is king, and if you live long enough, dementia is the force that’ll bring you down. It’s a

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