Brunswick Heads – Following the release of next year’s Bluesfest lineup, promoter Peter Noble confirmed that the festival had been carefully curated to ensure crowds would stay away.

Speaking to The Dwarf the day after the announcement, Noble said “In these testing times, it’s more important than ever to engage in social distancing, and avoid any events that will draw large crowds.”

“That’s why I’ve announced a lineup so uninspiring that no sane person will think about spending hundreds of dollars to attend our festival.”

When asked for comment, regular Bluesfest attendees confirmed that the announcement had succeeded in killing their enthusiasm for attending the festival, and live music in general.

Adam Fairbrother, a four-time attendee, said “Look, I reckon I’ve seen The Cat Empire at least six times now, and only one of those was intentional.”

“I’ve been daydreaming about festivals during isolation, but not ones featuring John Butler and Xavier Rudd, again.”

Carla Patterson, for whom Bluesfest is an annual tradition, confirmed that even die-hards such as herself would be staying away, saying “I’d rather be in full lockdown than sit through Michael Franti, with or without Spearhead, again.”

“There are many artists for whom I’d risk infection, but Troy Cassar-Daley isn’t one of them.”

Noble later expressed his delight at the negative response, stating “After the most depressing period of most of our lives, we knew that punters would be craving something exciting, and it would be irresponsible to grant them their wish.”

“That’s why we booked Bon Iver as a headliner.”