West Ryde – With a nationwide lockdown imminent, local man Henry Cartwright is regretting not breaking up with his girlfriend two days ago, or at any point over the last two years he had been considering it.
As the country prepares to shut its doors and self-isolate in an effort to combat the spread of COVID-19, many have been left stranded in apartments and houses with people whom they secretly hate. Speaking to The Dwarf, Cartwright indicated that he spoke for many when saying “Yeah look, if I had my time again, I probably would’ve grown some balls and told Tash that I didn’t wanna do this anymore.”
“If I’m honest, I’ve never really enjoyed the relationship since we started seeing each other more than once a week,” Cartwright continued. “I’m not really sure how this happened. Two years ago I was drunk at my local and we fooled around, and now here I am living in a cramped apartment with another couple who hate each other.”
“I thought at least working from home would mean she’d run out of things to complain about from her job, but if anything it’s increased. I can’t take this for much longer.”
Cartwright’s housemates, Jeff and Jess Brothwick, also confirmed that they would have liked a little bit more notice from the government ahead of the shutdown.
“We understand it’s in the interest of public safety, but I think a responsible government would’ve given the thousands of unhappy couples around the country at least two weeks warning this was their last chance to leave.”
Despite the plight of many Australians, the government has reiterated that they have no plans to work with real estate agencies to repatriate Australians stuck in dead-end relationships, saying “they should have seen this coming.”
At press time, Cartwright’s girlfriend Tash Vickery announced she had started a Change.org petition imploring the government to make exceptions for those desperate to leave their partners for at least a few hours a day.
“I can’t spend all day listening to him complain there’s no footy on. A government has a duty to its citizens. They can’t leave us stuck here with no way out.”