Heartless Sociopath Ignores ‘We Need To Talk About…’ Article

Lewisham – Local sociopath Andrew Barnsdale shocked onlookers today by scrolling straight past an article of utmost importance to the human race. Beginning the daily trawl through his Facebook feed on the bus, Barnsdale took the time to reflect on various important posts, ranging from sports memes to gifs of otters stacking cups. Chuckling at the mirthful creations delivered to him by the online community, the twenty-seven year old’s attention was then briefly drawn to a link containing a headline that started with ‘We Need To Talk About…’ A man sitting behind Barnsdale told The Dwarf how, with a nonchalant flick of his thumb, the reprobate scrolled arrogantly past the article, displaying a shocking lack of interest in how the headline ended, despite the urgency conveyed in the part of the title that had met his gaze. Barnsdale then spent the rest of the day consuming himself with a number of activities, including cold calling pensioners, ordering Oportos on UberEats and perusing PornHub, without considering returning to the article even for a second. When asked for comment, Jessica Weaver, the author of the article, who revealed that the thing we need to talk about is chlamydia, expressed disgust at Barnsdale’s actions. “It’s like he didn’t even read the first five words,” Weaver said. “I mean, what kind of psycho could ignore that opening gambit?” Weaver’s outrage, however, was tempered when informed that Barnsdale lived alone and had recently watched Dr. Who: The Aztecs for the third time. “I don’t think chlamydia, or any other STD, is likely to be an issue he has to confront anytime soon.”

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