​​Man Continues to Experience Untimely Life

Edgecliff – Local accountant Fred Verlaine woke up today to the sad news of his continued untimely existence.

The news that Verlaine, 54, had once again not died in his sleep sent shockwaves through those closest to him, with wife Paula saying: “It’s just so sad that he keeps hanging on at this stage.”

“I mean nothing exciting has happened in his life for about 25 years. The only time I ever see any passion is when he’s watching the footy and ranting about how ‘technology is ruining the game’. I mean how long can this go on for? It’s enough already.”

When reached for comment, Verlaine’s colleagues confirmed they were struggling with his failure to die.

“Yeah look, Fred’s best days are long gone”, said Alex, 32. “You can tell he’s just going through the motions every day. We all are, to be fair. But he didn’t even bother bringing any food in for our Harmony Day lunch. He’s just such a drag to be around.”

James, also 32, said Verlaine’s life was not completely pointless, adding “Look if nothing else, he serves as a cautionary tale. I have nightmares about ending up like him.”

Verlaine himself told The Dwarf that abstinence from vice was not the cause of his survival, stating: “Mate, I’ve always loved a few beers, and I love a few cheeky lines every now and then.”

“I don’t exercise. I have Maccas for lunch at least three times a week. I’m doing my best, but I’m still here.”

In response to our inquiries his family doctor released the following statement: “Our hearts go out to his wife, children and family, and we ask that their privacy be treated with the utmost respect in this unimaginably difficult time.”

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