​​Man Continues to Experience Untimely Life

Edgecliff – Local accountant Fred Verlaine woke up today to the sad news of his continued untimely existence.

The news that Verlaine, 54, had once again not died in his sleep sent shockwaves through those closest to him, with wife Paula saying: “It’s just so sad that he keeps hanging on at this stage.”

“I mean nothing exciting has happened in his life for about 25 years. The only time I ever see any passion is when he’s watching the footy and ranting about how ‘technology is ruining the game’. I mean how long can this go on for? It’s enough already.”

When reached for comment, Verlaine’s colleagues confirmed they were struggling with his failure to die.

“Yeah look, Fred’s best days are long gone”, said Alex, 32. “You can tell he’s just going through the motions every day. We all are, to be fair. But he didn’t even bother bringing any food in for our Harmony Day lunch. He’s just such a drag to be around.”

James, also 32, said Verlaine’s life was not completely pointless, adding “Look if nothing else, he serves as a cautionary tale. I have nightmares about ending up like him.”

Verlaine himself told The Dwarf that abstinence from vice was not the cause of his survival, stating: “Mate, I’ve always loved a few beers, and I love a few cheeky lines every now and then.”

“I don’t exercise. I have Maccas for lunch at least three times a week. I’m doing my best, but I’m still here.”

In response to our inquiries his family doctor released the following statement: “Our hearts go out to his wife, children and family, and we ask that their privacy be treated with the utmost respect in this unimaginably difficult time.”

Recent News

  • The End Claims They Were Never Really Friends With Jim Morrison
  • Man Raises Suspicions by Constantly Referring to His “Fully Functioning Penis”
  • International Arson Convention Promises to Be Lit
  • Friends of Crying-with-Laughter Emoji Detect a Lot More Crying Than Laughing
  • Man Types ‘Boobs’ Into Wordle 18 years after typing 80085 into calculator
  • Enmore Man on Holiday Fantasises About Doing “All Manner of Crazy Stuff” While Fitbit Charges
  • Newtown Woman to Celebrate Second Christmas With Same Single-use Mask
  • Man Who Thinks 45 Is the New 35 Sure Seems to Urinate a Lot for a 35yo
  • In Clerical Mix-up the US Attorney General Inducts Steve Bannon Into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
Share on twitter
Share on tumblr
Share on email
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on vk
Share on pinterest