My Wife is a Sack Full of Doorknobs

My wife loves this story. My wife is… she’s really something else, know what I mean? She really is. My wife… she’s a sack full of doorknobs. She’s not like a sack full of doorknobs, she really is a sack full of doorknobs. Full of doorknobs. I can’t maintain a normal human friendship, let alone a deeply intimate human relationship. I’m just an excruciatingly annoying person. I make people wanna kill themselves. I know that’s a phrase, but people have self-immolated in front of me, using flame. Self-immolation doesn’t automatically mean setting yourself on fire, Rage-Against-the-Machine-album-cover style. That’s what most people associate self-immolation with, but it doesn’t have to be that way. One guy slit his own throat. I had a lady who I just asked the time… she ran across a park, and then under a bus. She had seen the bus from a distance and… her timing… she must have been like a drummer or a professional comedian, because her timing… she could have been a second out and she wouldn’t have made it. Even half a second, either way, and she wouldn’t have made it. She knocked over a toddler, I remember, who was also fleeing my vicinity because people just can’t stand me. They really can’t. But my wife? Never a peep out of her regarding my stories. I remember once… like the knobs, the doorknobs, because she’s a sack full of doorknobs… I remember they settled in the sack, while I was telling a story, but I don’t think that’s an indication that she didn’t like the story. I mean, I don’t know. But I’m just going to interpret that as normal settling. You put a sack down on the ground, there’s bound to be some settling, just in that initial phase. Maybe overnight, you know, with the normal expansion and contraction of objects due to their temperature change. We were married… I proposed in the spring of ‘98, and she accepted, and we married in January the following year. She didn’t accept my proposal straight away; it took three days before she finally said yes. That was the longest three days of my life, I can tell you. But deep down I knew. I knew it was the right time, and I knew we both wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. My doctor and my sponsor were there. My sponsor is also a licensed celebrant. But I found out lately my doctor is not a doctor. Not even close. I actually have more medical training than the doctor I’ve been seeing for my weekly chats. So whatever these things are that they’re… because I’ve never had to go to a chemist, he’s always just given me these pills… still on them, still going to him. He took his sweet time to tell me that he’s not a doctor. But, you know, I’m in a little bit of a difficult position, whereby these are incredibly addictive pills, and I can’t go anywhere to get them… I don’t know what they are 'cause he scratches the name off them, and fuck, they pack a punch! You feel like you’ve been hit in the guts by a sack full of doorknobs, but in a good way. I mean Jesus, I married a sack full of doorknobs, I’ve got nothing but good fucking things to say about that situation. Lot of people complain about marriage, lot of people drag on about it. They bang on about loss of freedom, but I have just as much freedom as I did before I got married. More so, I think. She’s always “get out of the house, get out of the house” is what I think she’s saying, if… if it’s a she… it is… it is… it is quite a girly bag. Quite girly. I better go, there’s a Samuel Beckett play tonight at the local community theatre, and she’s been hounding me to take her. It’s fucking Waiting for Godot… like I’ve seen that fucking thing so many times it’s not funny. But relationships are about sacrifice. They really are. And there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my wife, who’s a sack full of doorknobs. Nothing. And I don’t think there’s anything she wouldn’t do for me, if there was anything she could do, but she can’t because she’s really just a sack full of doorknobs… that I still haven’t paid off. I’ve got two more repayments left and then she’s all mine! I’m actually beginning to shake 'cause I haven’t had one of these pills for about… what time is it now? Oh, wow, that’s not very long and I’m starting to shake like hell.

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