Bondi Beachgoer Buys Hand-Sanitiser to Wash Blood off Hands

Bondi Junction – Local surfie Jayden Coleman was spotted stockpiling hand-sanitiser at the local Woolies today, in order to wash the blood off his hands after endangering millions of lives because he just couldn’t stop himself from going to the beach last week.

         Despite the skyrocketing amount of infections and deaths worldwide, Coleman chose to ignore the advice of experts pleading with the population to self-isolate and practice social distancing. Speaking to The Dwarf, Coleman explained his reasoning, saying, “Look mate, I’ve had a gutful of people telling me what to fuckin’ do. The flu kills too you know, but we don’t shut everythin’ down for that do we?”

         Coleman also cited the words of Prime Minister Scott Morrison, reminding reporters that “mate, our PM told us to keep being fuckin ‘Strayans, and what’s more fuckin ‘Strayan than going to the fuckin beach mate‽”

         When asked why he had no faith in the opinion of health professionals, Coleman replied that he would rather listen to intellectuals such as Anthony Mundine, who has since retracted his claim that the coronavirus is a ploy by the ‘new world order’ in order to introduce autism-causing vaccines into the populace.

Morrison, who has yet to close schools, and NSW Health Minister Brad Hazzard, whose department failed to check passengers on the Ruby Princess before letting them disembark, were also seen going halvies on a bulk purchase of the same brand of hand-sanitiser.