Haymarket – Following reports of police setting up privacy screens to conduct drug-related strip searches at Central Station on Thursday, New South Wales Premier Gladys Berejiklian confirmed that the operation was a precursor to allowing pill testing at all NSW train stations.
At a hastily scheduled press conference, Berejiklian explained that the gargantuan quantity of drugs seized at Central had made it apparent that a new approach was needed.
“The results of today’s operation confirmed our suspicions that the public simply cannot handle NSW transport while sober,” the Premier’s statement began. “Therefore, we have decided to incorporate pill testing at all NSW train stations, so that punters can safely check the purity of their drugs before getting on our trains during peak hour.”
When questioned as to whether the initiative could potentially expand to music festivals, Berejiklian was adamant in her opposition, stating “The situations are completely different. You don’t need drugs to enjoy music, as other people my age are constantly telling me. You do, however, need copious amounts of drugs to survive the peak hour commute on the Leppington line.”
Speaking to The Dwarf, regular commuter Andrew Vlasic expressed his support for the move, saying “Mate, I need pingas just to keep my mind off rental prices in this city. I actually don’t mind standing for the whole trip on the Bankstown line when I’m buzzing.”
Country commuter Sharelle Mahoney also embraced the news, announcing her intention to rack up in the toilets and then cause chaos in the quiet carriages of CountryLink trains.
With a state election just nine days away, it remains to be seen if this late policy change will sway enough voters to allow the Liberals to retain power.