Government Announces Royal Commission into Everything

Canberra – The nation has been struck by royal commission fever today, as the government unveiled their new Royal Commission into Everything. Speaking to reporters in front of Parliament House, Prime Minister Scott Morrison beamed with pride as he introduced his latest initiative, stating “Look, basically we figured instead of waiting for Four Corners’ weekly installments of all the evil things happening in Australia, we might as well just set up a permanent royal commission to investigate literally everything.” “Let’s face it,” said Morrison. “Pretty much everything’s fucked.” The Prime Minister, who famously described The Royal Commission into Misconduct in the Banking, Superannuation and Financial Services Industry as a ‘waste of time’ and a ‘populist whinge’ during his time as Treasurer, then stood defiantly before the media throng. However, when informed that commission chair Kenneth Hayne had identified potential human rights abuses in offshore detention as his first target, Morrison, a former immigration minister, who has struggled with microphone technology in the past, was caught mumbling what sounded like “for fuck’s sake”, before hastily calling an end to the press conference. Morrison was later seen entering the Horizon Church in Sutherland, to meet with his Sky Commissioner, who is still reeling from the conviction of Cardinal George Pell, his third in command on planet Earth, and the shocking revelations of the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses into Child Sexual Abuse.

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