Sad Gerard Henderson Not Smiling Under Captain GetUp Suit

Warringah – In a gutwrenching interview, renowned conservative commentator Gerard Henderson has revealed that he is the man inside the Captain GetUp suit. Speaking exclusively to The Dwarf after the launch of the conservative super-hero was met with rave reviews, Henderson spoke despondently about life inside the costume. “Everyone sees the big smile on the outside and thinks it must be a riot playing Captain GetUp. But in reality, all I’m thinking about in there is the continued devolution of Australia into a pagan hell-hole bereft of conservative values.” “My therapist said it would be good for me to play someone who’s happy about something, anything. But I hate it. At least on Insiders I can broadcast my misanthropy to the nation on a Sunday morning and bring everybody down with me.” When asked for comment, Advance Australia national director Gerard Benedet seemed surprised. “We thought Hendo would be the perfect choice to bring Captain GetUp to life. Anyone who’s familiar with his media work knows he possesses a biting wit. Conservatives have always known that comedy has a left-wing bias, and Captain GetUp is our way of showing the world we can be funny too.” At press time, Benedet was compiling a shortlist of potential replacements for Henderson, with Rowan Dean, Andrew Bolt and Miranda Devine leading the race.

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