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The Dwarf

The Dwarf’s Guide To The 2019 Federal Election

Well, here we go again. On Saturday May 18th, you, dear fellow Australian, will fight your way past desperate volunteers only to gaze in confusion at the myriad choices, each worse than the last. Unless you’re one of those losers that has already voted ahead of time.

Here at The Dwarf, we’ve taken the time to research every single party that’s trying, no matter how much in vain, to win a precious seat in the Senate. We’ve trawled through their websites, often at the expense of our sanity, to find out just what they stand for. So sit back, relax, and weep for the future of our nation.

Australian Better Families

Standout policy is to have a ‘Minister for Men’, that long neglected segment of society.

Affordable Housing

Their leader casually mentions that he trains between three to six hours a week in Wing Chun Southern Chinese Kung Fu, so voting him in could lead to some entertaining Senate Estimates.

Animal Justice Party

Advocate no harm against any animals at all, even shitty ones like seagulls and ibis.

Australian Christians

Can best be summed up by their ‘Yearly Prayer’, which contains gems such as Lord of the Harvest, send out labourers into Your harvest to bring in the Candidates, the Volunteers and the votes. (Luke 10:1-3)’

Australian Conservatives


A party about as imaginative as its logo. Soon to be the home of Peter Dutton.

Australian Democrats

Yep, those Australian Democrats. They’re back, with a logo that looks like it belongs on a hardware store.

The Australian Mental Health Party

Whoever designed their logo must really be struggling.

Australian People’s Party

If you thought their logo was bad, their Netscape era website features this image:

Australian Workers Party

Only communists would have “Australian” in lower case and “party” in uppercase. Judging by this image on their website, appear to be proposing some sort of Minority Report style approach to finding jobs:

Centre Alliance

South Australia focused party, the Nick Xenophon team without Nick Xenophon.  

Christian Democratic Party

Fred Nile’s project to bring Australia back to the golden age of Medieval Europe, or present day Alabama.

Citizens Electoral Council

Almost exclusively focused on breaking up the banks. Good luck with that one.

Climate Action! Immigration Action! Accountable Politicians!

A truly bizarre entity. Changed their name from Online Direct Democracy to the exclamation mark heavy atrocity above, but still have the same old website. Their idea is to let citizens vote on everything online, because the Internet and referendums have worked so well for democracies recently.

Democratic Labour Party

Their slogan, ‘Putting YOU back into Labour’ is infinitely better than their tacky limousine service logo.

Derryn Hinch’s Justice Party

Don’t go on their website unless you really like Derryn Hinch’s face.

Flux

Another party proposing that everyone gets to vote on everything, this time via an app that will presumably incorporate dating at some point. Swipe right if you think the guy who voted against live exports is cute!

Fraser Anning’s Conservative Nationals

A party whiter than the indie music scene of the early 2000s. Presumably too busy trying to avoid getting egged to bother putting any content on the Policy page of their website.

Health Australia

Natural medicine enthusiasts. Vote for them if you use ‘chakra balancing body mist’.

Help End Marijuana Prohibition (HEMP)


Managed to register in time for this election, so already an improvement on their 2010 effort, when they were too busy listening to 40 oz. to Freedom to get their papers in on time.

Great Australian

Another fringe right-wing group, led by a former One Nation senator who was dismissed from the Senate for being bankrupt, presumably in the financial sense. Look at that fucking logo.

The Greens

Still coming to terms with the fact that a sixteen year old Swedish girl seems to be better at mobilising people to save the planet than they are.

Independents for Climate Action Now (ICAN)

A bunch of independents bonded by a concern for the climate and a love of sweet acronyms.

Involuntary Medication Objectors (Vaccination/Fluoride) Party

What on earth is going on?

Jacqui Lambie Network

Website implores people to ‘join the fight to keep the bastards honest’ and also buy Jacqui Lambie’s book. Stole their slogan from the Australian Democrats.

Katter’s Australian Party

I could think of something funny to write here, but I ain't spending any time on it, because in the meantime, every three months, a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland.

Labor

So committed to the idea of a fair go they chose the only person who could lose to Scott Morrison.

Liberal

 

 

Liberal Democrats

Libertarians who never left their Ayn Rand phase. Vote for them if you regard America’s gun culture with envy.

Love Australia or Leave

Voters consist entirely of Toyota Hilux owners.

One Nation


Fair to say the campaign hasn’t gone exactly to plan. Loses members faster than Game of Thrones.

The Nationals

A party that espouses true blue Australian values, such as those demonstrated by former leader Barnaby Joyce.

Pirate Party

Fuck off.

 

Republican Party of Australia

The equal worst logo in the history of politics.

Rise Up Australia

All you need to know about these guys is that their leader was born in Sri Lanka, moved to Australia when he was thirty-three, but hates multiculturalism. Convinced, despite all evidence, that Sharia Law is imminent.

Science Party

Bunch of wackjobs who think things like science, evidence and reason are important.

 

Secular Party of Australia

Logo looks like a 90s Internet Service Provider, the same era that they got this picture on their homepage is from:

Seniors United Party Australia

Proof that age is no barrier to coming up with killer acronyms. Logo suggests a recycling solution to human resources made famous by Soylent Green.

 

Shooters, Fishers and Farmers

God help you if you aren’t any of the above.

 

The Small Business Party

Supports businesses that take your money in a friendly, community oriented fashion.

Socialist Alliance

Remember those dreadlocked guys that used to hassle you at Uni? They’re still around.

 

Socialist Equality Party

Seem to be really into this Trotsky fella.

Sustainable Australia

Finally, a party for the moderately endowed gentleman.

United Australia Party

If you really like not doing things like building replicas of ships, running successful sports teams, or paying workers, then this is the party for you.

The Together Party

With a logo that looks like it belongs on a pack of sanitary pads, it’s hard to take them seriously. But fear not, their leader wrote a book called ‘Make Australia Slightly Better Than Average Again’.

Western Australia Party

Can be no doubt about their claim to represent West Australians, as evidenced by their constant whining, a trait so closely associated with the region.

The Women’s Party

Head office probably features a lot of scented candles and frangipani.

Yellow Vest Australia

Formerly the Australian Liberty Alliance, decided to change their name after inspiration from a political movement on the opposite end of the spectrum, that most Aussies have not heard of.

 

Vote responsibly

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