The Dwarf's Guide To The 2019 NSW Election
AK Migz
The New South Wales state election is almost upon us! On March 23, voters will flock in droves to their nearest primary school or community hall, to exercise their civic duty by making a decision they will have spent literally minutes thinking about.
Here at The Dwarf, we believe we have a social responsibility to keep our readers well informed, in order to avoid the recent pitfalls of our American and British cousins. With that in mind, we have compiled a comprehensive guide to all parties competing for your vote, in order of their appearance on your ballot paper.
Slogan: City folk are soft cocks
Politics: Started as a party representing only shooters, but later expanded to include fishers and farmers. Will incorporate butchers, bakers and candlestick-makers if elected.
Vote for them if you’re the kind of person who likes to say you’ve ‘had a gutful’.
Slogan: Venezewhola?
Politics: Committed to helping you understand how every modern convenience you enjoy is directly linked to someone’s misery.
Vote for them if you just enrolled in a Bachelor of Arts at UNE.
Slogan: Sustain in the membrane
Politics: As a self-described ‘centrist’ party, Sustainable Australia believes in both everything and nothing.
Vote for them if you believe size doesn't matter.
Slogan: Crystals are connected to your spirit, but we’re not like religious or anything
Politics: Only allows those with perfectly balanced chakras to stand for election.
Vote for them if you’ve ever won an award for participation.
Slogan: No really, the tofu version tastes just as good
Politics: Get rid of the election day sausage sizzle tradition and replace it with free gazpacho.
Vote for them if it’ll stop your vegan housemate sticking animal cruelty memes up on the fridge.
Slogan: I’m not racist and/or sexist but…
Politics: Convinced that soon you’ll have to say ‘political correctness gone mentally challenged’ instead of ‘political correctness got mad’.
Vote for them if you really like hearing and saying the phrase ‘left-wing activists’.
Slogan: Flux the system [Ed: it really is]
Politics: To raise awareness of the dangers of bright computer screens.
Vote for them because Meow-Ludo Meow-Meow has already hacked into your brain and convinced you to.
Slogan: We got rid of the creepy guy
Politics: Just sit back and let Gladys do the work.
Vote for them because it’s their turn to fuck things up.
Slogan: Happiness is only real when legislated
Politics: Do whatever Jonesy says.
Vote for them if you’ve been in a coma for the last four years.
Slogan: How good were the 1950s‽
Politics: Say something crazier than whatever the craziest guy in the Liberal Party says.
Vote for them if the thought of living in a Cory Bernardi led dystopian future turns you on.
Slogan: It’s like living under the Taliban!
Politics: Endorse medical professionals’ views on pill testing, but put fingers in ears when same professionals support lockout laws.
Vote for them if you think marginally less accessible alcohol in a tiny percentage of the state is a major election issue.
Slogan: Fine, it’s basically libertarianism
Politics: Free Australia from the yoke of oppressive gun laws so that we can be more like the U.S.A.
Vote for them if you read some Ayn Rand once and didn’t throw up.
Slogan: What a time to be alive
Politics: Want the option to die legally if ever trapped in a hospital room with the tele stuck on Sky News.
Vote for them if the in-laws are visiting soon.
Slogan: Just ignore the whole pedophilia thing
Politics: Passionately fighting for the reintegration of church and state, even though it’s 2019.
Vote for them if you aren't repulsed every time Fred Nile speaks.
Slogan: Get fucked if you make more than $2 million in annual revenue
Politics: Supports businesses that take your money in a friendly, community oriented fashion.
Vote for them if you plan on opening and closing a small bar within the next six months.
Slogan: Our ancestors sailed here, you flew here
Politics: Provide a safe space for Mark Latham.
Vote for them if you’ve learned nothing from the entirety of human history.
Shooters, Fishers and Farmers Party
Slogan: City folk are soft cocks
Politics: Started as a party representing only shooters, but later expanded to include fishers and farmers. Will incorporate butchers, bakers and candlestick-makers if elected.
Vote for them if you’re the kind of person who likes to say you’ve ‘had a gutful’.
Socialist Alliance
Slogan: Venezewhola?
Politics: Committed to helping you understand how every modern convenience you enjoy is directly linked to someone’s misery.
Vote for them if you just enrolled in a Bachelor of Arts at UNE.
Sustainable Australia
Slogan: Sustain in the membrane
Politics: As a self-described ‘centrist’ party, Sustainable Australia believes in both everything and nothing.
Vote for them if you believe size doesn't matter.
The Greens
Slogan: Crystals are connected to your spirit, but we’re not like religious or anything
Politics: Only allows those with perfectly balanced chakras to stand for election.
Vote for them if you’ve ever won an award for participation.
Animal Justice Party
Slogan: No really, the tofu version tastes just as good
Politics: Get rid of the election day sausage sizzle tradition and replace it with free gazpacho.
Vote for them if it’ll stop your vegan housemate sticking animal cruelty memes up on the fridge.
Advance
Slogan: I’m not racist and/or sexist but…
Politics: Convinced that soon you’ll have to say ‘political correctness gone mentally challenged’ instead of ‘political correctness got mad’.
Vote for them if you really like hearing and saying the phrase ‘left-wing activists’.
Flux
Slogan: Flux the system [Ed: it really is]
Politics: To raise awareness of the dangers of bright computer screens.
Vote for them because Meow-Ludo Meow-Meow has already hacked into your brain and convinced you to.
Labor/Country Labor
Slogan: We got rid of the creepy guy
Politics: Just sit back and let Gladys do the work.
Vote for them because it’s their turn to fuck things up.
Liberal/The Nationals
Slogan: Happiness is only real when legislated
Politics: Do whatever Jonesy says.
Vote for them if you’ve been in a coma for the last four years.
Australian Conservatives
Slogan: How good were the 1950s‽
Politics: Say something crazier than whatever the craziest guy in the Liberal Party says.
Vote for them if the thought of living in a Cory Bernardi led dystopian future turns you on.
Keep Sydney Open
Slogan: It’s like living under the Taliban!
Politics: Endorse medical professionals’ views on pill testing, but put fingers in ears when same professionals support lockout laws.
Vote for them if you think marginally less accessible alcohol in a tiny percentage of the state is a major election issue.
Liberal Democrats
Slogan: Fine, it’s basically libertarianism
Politics: Free Australia from the yoke of oppressive gun laws so that we can be more like the U.S.A.
Vote for them if you read some Ayn Rand once and didn’t throw up.
Voluntary Euthanasia Party
Slogan: What a time to be alive
Politics: Want the option to die legally if ever trapped in a hospital room with the tele stuck on Sky News.
Vote for them if the in-laws are visiting soon.
Christian Democratic Party
Slogan: Just ignore the whole pedophilia thing
Politics: Passionately fighting for the reintegration of church and state, even though it’s 2019.
Vote for them if you aren't repulsed every time Fred Nile speaks.
The Small Business Party
Slogan: Get fucked if you make more than $2 million in annual revenue
Politics: Supports businesses that take your money in a friendly, community oriented fashion.
Vote for them if you plan on opening and closing a small bar within the next six months.
Pauline Hanson’s One Nation
Slogan: Our ancestors sailed here, you flew here
Politics: Provide a safe space for Mark Latham.
Vote for them if you’ve learned nothing from the entirety of human history.
Vote responsibly
