Woman Requests Return to Quarantine as Neighbour Starts Trumpet Lessons

Camperdown – Despite having just finished her stint in quarantine, out-of-work English teacher Crystal Simmons has submitted a formal request to be returned to the Intercontinental Hotel after learning that her neighbour has recently commenced online trumpet lessons.


         Simmons was granted her freedom today, after returning from a volunteering assignment in Cusco, Peru. After spending two weeks in a cramped hotel room with no freedom, the 27-year-old was eager to return to her old apartment.


         Speaking to The Dwarf, Simmons said “I was unpacking my things and feeling really good about everything. It was so good to feel a gust of wind and bask in sunshine on my balcony again. And then I heard it.”


         “The only noises I usually hear from Keith’s apartment are him swearing when the Bulldogs concede a try, or his porn. I’m used to those. But obviously he’s been trying to learn the trumpet while I’ve been away.”


         Simmons appeared traumatised when we spoke to her, even indicating that she would rather be back in Peru under lockdown.


         “It was horrific. I think he was trying to play Baker Street. On the trumpet! I’m all for flattening the curve, but I’d rather be back in Peru. At least there all I heard from my neighbours were telenovelas.”


         When asked for comment, Simmons’ neighbour said “Baker Street? That was obviously 25 or 6 to 4 by Chicago.”


         The Department of Health announced they had no plans to rescue people stuck next door to musically challenged neighbours.


         “We’re in this for the long haul. If your neighbour has recently taken up the oboe, sousaphone, or any other annoying brass instrument, you need to make provisions such as ordering noise-cancelling headphones, or writing them a polite note.”


         At press time, Simmons was heard screaming “I wish brass had never been invented!”

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