NRL Introduces Life Bans for Sex Tapes Filmed in Portrait Mode
Moore Park – In the latest chapter of the NRL’s turbulent off-season, the governing body has today decided on a life ban for any player found filming sex tapes in portrait mode.
As news of yet another tape filmed in a highly inconvenient format reached the public, CEO Todd Greenberg fronted the media at NRL headquarters once again. Noticeably weary after having to deal with a multitude of scandals in recent weeks, he read from a prepared statement.
“We’re here today to once again send the message that enough is enough. As we have consistently made clear, football players are role models both on and off the field. We simply cannot have kids copying stupid and juvenile behaviour like filming in portrait mode. This is why the Integrity Unit has today decided to introduce a life ban policy for any player caught engaging in such disgusting behaviour.”
“We understand that it’s hard to hold a phone with one hand,” he continued, “but seriously, just turn it sideways so we can all enjoy your debauchery in landscape mode. The cinematography of these videos is appalling and an embarrassment to our game.”
When asked if the NRL had a cultural problem with alcohol, Greenberg replied, “We can’t blame our valuable sponsors for the indiscretions of individuals. Being drunk is no excuse for filming sex tapes with sub-par orientation.”
The embattled executive ended the press conference by confirming all NRL players would have to attend a pre-season film school majoring in filming their mates in fragante delilicto.