Benedict Cumberbatch Arrested By EU Storm Troopers After Judge Declares Name Too British
On the eve of Britain’s exit from the European Union, the dystopian goliath’s mighty fury was on full display today as EU storm troopers arrested Benedict Cumberbatch for an excessively British name. Uber Court Judge Hans von Ottovordemgentschenfelde made his ruling with evidence supplied by all twenty-eight member states, after the relentless eighteen-month Down the Hatch with Cumberbatch campaign finally succeeded. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a source within the British Government told The Dwarf this was less about Cumberbatch and more about the EU sending a message to the UK. “They are bullies, plain and simple. They can’t stand the fact we want to go it alone, or at least a paper-thin majority wanted to go it alone nearly three years ago, and if polling is to be believed, a paper-thin majority now wants to stay. That’s the dynamic, modern United Kingdom. Unity is strength, and this government is united in its campaign to separate from the European Union. We won’t kowtow to mafioso-style tactics, no matter how many Geoffrey Clifton-Browns or Jacob Rees-Moggs they put to the sword.” Sources close to Judge Ottovordemgentschenfelde claim he was frightened by Cumberbatch because “if he could be Sherlock Holmes one day and Doctor Strange the next, what was stopping him from waking up one day and deciding to be Uber Court Judge Hans von Ottovordemgentschenfelde?” A film adaption of the events is already in production, with every scene without Cumberbatch being filmed first, with the view that should he survive his ordeal and one day be free, he would play himself. Should he be executed, it is believed Andy Serkis will once again don the green spandex to play the role of a Benedigital Cumberbatch.