Epidemiologists Allegedly Planned to Name Novel Coronavirus "COLIN-19" After Annoying Workmate
Will Daly
World Health Organisation scientists investigating the origin and spread of the novel coronavirus known as COVID-19 have denied reports they originally planned to name the disease after their annoying co-worker Colin.
Dr Tedros Adhanom told The Dwarf he felt sure if the suggestion to name the virus COLIN-19 was made, it was made in jest. “It had been a very busy and stressful week for the team, and perhaps they were simply taking out their frustrations on the closest available target. But it never would have been under serious consideration. Colin is really annoying but we have to remain professional, particularly during a global pandemic.”
Dr Jackie Vanderbilt shed some light on why Colin is so annoying, “His stories go absolutely nowhere. His jokes are either bad, or don’t make sense. Then there’s the puns, the never-ending rapid-fire puns. But that’s not the real problem, the real problem is he stands way too close. Think of what you consider way too close, then halve it.”
Dr Hannah Jacobs put Colin’s behaviour into perspective. “He does stand way too close but I don’t think he’s being creepy, he does it with everyone. We’ve definitely had worse. We had an intern, Guiseppe, on his first day he took a look at my co-worker and I and said, ‘How am I supposed to get any work done with you lab-coated cuties hanging around?’ When we told him we were scientists he responded, ‘Scientists? More like Scientits! Am I right?’”
A doctor who wished to remain anonymous told The Dwarf that while they refer to their co-worker as Colin, he calls himself Lachlan. “That’s my fault. I went to uni with him. In the first year he introduced himself as Colin, but the very next year he started introducing himself as Lachlan. Then he claimed his name had always been Lachlan but he was just too polite to correct anyone.”
“Who’s he trying to fool? He talks like a Colin, walks like a Colin. He’s a Colin.”
Another co-worker, Dr Jason Stratham, went further, “It’s the same name. Think about it, the last syllable is basically the same, and the first syllable is just backwards, phonetically. L-O-C, C-O-L, L-O-C, C-O-L, it’s the same damn name!”
Dr Adhanom played down the comments made by his team, “They just seem more annoyed and frustrated than they actually are. At the end of the day, they realise Colins don’t know they’re Colins. They don’t get angry at a wasp being a wasp or a crocodile being a crocodile. And it’s a waste of time and energy being angry or frustrated with a Colin being a Colin. They know it ain’t no party for him either.”
