Praying Goes Ahead in Buildings where Children were Raped for Decades
Catholics across the world congregated again this weekend in churches that played host to centuries of systemic child abuse. Gathering on every continent, the faithful sought to commune with the one true God under whose watch all of this occurred. Amidst beautiful and awe-inspiring feats of architecture, they received communion from The Lord’s official representatives on Earth, many of whom, statistically, probably weren’t thinking about molesting children. In Melbourne, where Cardinal George Pell, the world's third most senior Catholic, had once sexually abused at least two young boys under his care, Danielle Thomas took time out of her finite existence to display heroic cognitive dissonance by praying for the children who had been raped. ‘It’s the least I can do,’” Thomas accurately stated. “By asking the Lord to help them, I’m hoping I can give back to the community”, she continued unironically, from the grounds of one of the thousands of churches across the country that don’t pay any tax on their annual revenue of over thirty billion dollars. Unperturbed by recent revelations that more than three hundred ‘predator priests’ had sexually abused more than a thousand children over decades in his home state of Pennsylvania, George Barclay sat in his local church, just like every other week, to pray to the same God who could have prevented all this from happening, assuming He wanted to, or even existed. Speaking exclusively to The Dwarf, Barclay said “My granddaughter is about to turn eighteen, so I’m just here to ask the Lord to grant her admission into an Ivy League school. I mean, he’s an all seeing and all powerful being, so surely he could help her out. She’s a good kid.” In Santiago, where the headquarters of the Catholic Church were recently raided as part of a widespread investigation into child abuse, Luis Hernandez confessed his infidelity to a priest, choosing to entrust his deepest secrets to an institution involved in a worldwide paedophilia racket since time immemorial. The Dwarf was unable to reach the notoriously reclusive deity for comment.