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The Dwarf

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Disney+ Announces New Star Wars Series: The Womandalorian

Hot on the heels of the release of their acclaimed series The Mandalorian, Disney+ has announced plans to release The Womandalorian, an all-female version of the Star Wars story, in early 2020. Bob Iger was thrilled at the prospect of an oestrogen-soaked, female-empowering, intergalactic saga. “This is just what this galaxy, and specifically, this planet …

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Man Makes Major Life Decision After Advice From Talking Meerkat

Potts Point – Having agonised for months over which life insurance provider to entrust with his family’s future, forty-five year old electrician Wally Hammond finally reached a decision on Wednesday, having been convinced by a talking meerkat. The pivotal moment in the future of the Hammond clan occurred late in the evening, during an ad …

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Man Unwittingly Watches Cyclist’s Death Live On UberEats Tracker

Camperdown – Local stoner Philip McKeiran’s UberEats order took a macabre turn last night, as he unwittingly witnessed the death of his driver on the app’s tracker. Having completed an order of a Ben and Jerry’s ‘Half Baked’ tub, the twenty-three year old ‘writer’ gazed intermittently at the app in between browsing Robelinda2’s YouTube channel. …

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Diligent Mum Films Son’s Birthday Party For Future Use In True Crime Documentary

Boise, ID – Local mother Pamela Wozkowiak diligently recorded her eight year-old son’s birthday party on Saturday, in the hope that the footage might one day be used in a true crime documentary. Surveying the scene through the viewfinder of a recently purchased RCA VHS Camcorder, Wozkowiak expressed confidence that at least one of the …

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Millennial Still Coming Down From Weekend Foxtel Binge At Parents’ House

St. Peters – Local artisanal barista Christopher Dawson chucked a sickie today after still feeling the effects of a Foxtel binge at his parents’ Taree retirement house. A stricken Dawson told The Dwarf he had jumped at his mother’s invitation to spend a weekend in the Mid-North Coast, as it had been a few months …

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Early Morning Stroller Oblivious To King Street’s Recent Horrors

Newtown – Basking in the glow of a perfect Sunday morning King Street stroll, local boomer Walter Smith remained blissfully unaware of the sheer debauchery that had plagued his slice of paradise only hours earlier. Beginning his seven o’clock ramble at The Marley, Smith beamed with pride, reflecting on how lucky he was to live …

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Heartless Sociopath Ignores ‘We Need To Talk About…’ Article

Lewisham – Local sociopath Andrew Barnsdale shocked onlookers today by scrolling straight past an article of utmost importance to the human race. Beginning the daily trawl through his Facebook feed on the bus, Barnsdale took the time to reflect on various important posts, ranging from sports memes to gifs of otters stacking cups. Chuckling at …

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Vietnamese Bakery Stunned By Customer’s Request For Something Other Than Pork Roll

Marrickville – The Inner West was rocked today by an unforeseen spectacle, as an out of towner waltzed into Marrickville Pork Roll and ordered an item that wasn’t a pork roll. Strolling into the iconic establishment, Manly resident James Rhys-Smythe, who was in town to look at a property to purchase and then put on …

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Couple Excited To Announce Another Wedding You Have To Attend!

Local couple Alyssa Stanfield and Ken Pratt are excited to announce another wedding that you have no choice but to attend! Taking to every conceivable form of social media this morning, the giddy couple thrilled their friends and acquaintances by confirming yet another wedding that would take up everyone’s time and money was on the …

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